We need to go back to the beginning. This guide was born back in April 2017. I was invited up to Shepherds Market to have an interview for a business development role in a small consultancy firm. Like all good Boy Scouts, i knew Preparation was key and I’d done my research. Going on Citymapper (undoubtedly a must have for anyone in London) I allocated an extra half an hour so i could walk through Green Park to get some fresh air. Good thing I did because around about the RAF Memorial a rather dodgy fart heralded the imminent arrival of the morning’s toilet. In my hasty decision making process I risked crossing Piccadilly and heading to the Cavalry and Guards Club. Although not a member, I had been there recently for drinks with an old friend and I knew two very important facts: 1. Precise knowledge of where the loos were and 2. that they were excellent facilities, as close to 10/10 as one could get.

There is one critical consideration that will become a theme as we go on and that is overcoming staff intimidation. The Cavalry and Guards club is a thoroughly good example of ‘Faint heart never won fair maiden’. Up the granite steps I trotted, the automatic doors opened, the challenge was born.

Like trying to get an upgrade on a plane, you can up your chances of success by dressing correctly. A decent suit and tie is like armour when trying to break through the battlements of doubt that hotel and club staff are able to generate with just a look.

The first thing you encounter at the Cav and Guards is a desk manned by two uniformed staff, its like passport control…worse than that, it’s like passport control in a german airport – where they have guns. Lesser men would panic at this stage, a purposeful design I’m sure to keep the riff-raft out. The tension was building in the lower colon so a brief, confident and smile reinforced “good morning” I banked would be enough to get past and turned sharp left into the atrium. Always look them in the eye.

Never underestimate the power of a confident “Good Morning” it is the secret weapon. One often reads that people educated at public schools have some £30,000 a year advantage; a charm, natural confidence or self belief. I honestly think that a considerable, unofficial part of the curriculum must be mastering the power of manners and the way they are delivered. It’s a tool that is available to everyone, whatever one’s background. It’s not elitist, it’s just and understanding of the disarming power of common courtesy. After all, the Winchester motto is ‘Manners make the man’.

The porters didn’t bat an eyelid and I strode past.

It is impressive. An imposing, high ceilinged room of marble, brass and paintings of only the brave. Medals and busts, it is a shrine to audacity and grit. Old buffers shuffle down the sweeping staircase in their thick pinstripe suits, side partings as immaculate as a parade ground.

Remain calm. Orientate.

There are two options for relieving oneself. The first is to head past the sweeping staircase coming down from the upper levels to your right. Take an immediate right down a narrow corridor, past a row of coat hooks adorned with covet coats and cane handled umbrellas (In the specific arena of dumping in Gentlemen’s clubs, coat hooks, you will quickly learn, may as well be a sign that says “Loo’s this way”) on your right is that glorious sign – Gentlemen.

The second requires slightly more Theseus-like skills but is more rewarding because the basement crappers have more option, more peace and more space. On passing passport control take an immediate right. There are banks of medals in front of you and head down the red carpeted stairs. On arrival at the bottom you may well have a feel of being trapped but don’t panic. Look to your right and you will see a corridor with a long line of coat hooks and at the end of that is some peace and quiet and all the time you might want…but be warned, there isn’t much data reception down there so flicking through the news may be tricky. Always have a few downloads on your phone for the occasion.

Business done, hands washed, towel dried and (if time) shoes polishes.

I made my way out to daylight there is one final step that is key and comes back to my original point about common courtesy. One never knows when you may next need to use a facility so on the way out turn to the gatekeepers of the fortress, look them in the eye and give them a confident “thank you” and head out onto the street. Light on one’s feet, beaming with a sense of vindication ready to carry it into the interview.